Ramblings.

There are some things I wonder about as Eric and I approach marriage and as, in some ways, we transition there.

OK, that actually brings up something I wonder about--transitioning. I'm not so sure I'm good at that. And can you really transition into marriage? It's it a bit black and white? You're either married or you're not, yeah? It's a covenantal relationship, or it's not. And so I see it as a really hard thing to ease into, because it isn't really different until it is. Am I losing you?

Take this for example.

I've never had someone in my life who has a justifiable, indisputable claim on being the most important person in my life. Yes, there is family and good friends, and they're very important. But the nature of life is that those relationships grow and change. Never before have I had any binding agreement that singles someone out as the most important person, always.

I've never had the responsibility of always putting one person first. But, somewhat conversely, I've never been so free as to make a person the single most important person. And that's a nice freedom.

But now there's Eric. And soon he will be that person. Or should he already technically be, even without the covenant? 'Cause that's what I'm talking about. It's a hard thing for a girl who sees things as black and white. I'm either free to put him first (and responsible for that) under the covenant, or I'm simply not. Right? Or?

It's not that I don't want to; it's more of finally having the freedom and justification to do that. Does that make any sense? I guess I have this ingrained guilt complex about putting a man first in my life, at the possible expense of/ridicule from my girl friends.

Either way, soon I've have my sure-as-anything, No. 1, go-to person. And I wonder how I'll do with that, since I have no experience.

Or, well, with one obvious exception. For six years I've had my No. 1 person in my life clearly defined: Jesus. But that opens up a whole world of other questions.

No doubt, Jesus will still be #1. But I can already see that's a position I guard very jealously for him. And when I even get the suspicion that something in my life is beginning to rival Jesus for my ultimate affections, I have a tendency to throw it off pretty furiously.

That's why resigning from Jesus Film was so hard for me. It was easy to see Eric as something in the way, between Jesus and me. But I simply had to come to the point where I realized God put E in my life, in many ways to be to me as Jesus was to the church.

I have to keep Eric where he should be and follow and submit to Eric as I should, but also keep Jesus above all. It'll be interesting to see how that all plays out.

Wow, this was rambling.