R-E-S-P-E-C-T

You know when parents always say, upon brandishing the spoon or belt or administering whatever punishment is due, “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” I’m not sure I really bought that until yesterday.

I was studying in my room and heard crinkling in the kitchen. Thinking it was a goat I needed to shoo out of our trash (common event), I lackadaisically stirred to accost our intruder. But when I went out, it wasn’t a goat causing the rustling. It was Paula, Abuba’s oldest, sitting in our doorway with quite a loot—an armload of crackers and instant noodles she stole from Pattie’s room. (Don’t ask me what she planned to do with the instant noodles.)

She’s been really naughty and obstinate lately, but I was flabbergasted. How could she steal from the people who so freely open their hands and house to her? Sure, it’s just crackers. But it’s the idea. Some of the kids are just ornery, and will look me straight in the face and refuse to do what I ask of them (like leave when they’re being bad). Do you know what it’s like for your reproofs to be utterly ignored or sneered at, or to be teased by a child? It gets to your very core and your whole self rises up against it. Or maybe that’s just me?

(Maybe this is God preparing me to be a parent. But wooooeee.)

I write this purposely juxtaposed to my last entry, because the juxtaposition is part of the struggle of being here. So it really does hurt me more than it hurts her. It makes me sad and wonder if we’ll ever make an impact here, as just strange white women who warrant no respect because we’re single, have no children and are completely foreign in every single way.

And because we can’t/won’t lift our hand against the children. Imagine: The word in Lopit for “to punish” is the same for “to beat.” So the two are tightly entwined in the culture and inseparable, even in words.

So, I’m not hurting so much over silly crackers, but of how I feel like something like this takes all the steps forward I think we’re making and pummels me back to what seems like ground zero.