Free falling feeling...

I adore my husband.

I really do.

That’s a little strange for me, because I’m not used to owning up to my affections and emotions, even to myself.

Perhaps this is a new freedom God blessed me with since I met Eric, one I grew into during my time in Sudan. I think there—through my very real relationships with my roommates—I was pushed to a new level of love, one I could come to only by way of a new level of vulnerability. In the Husa house, I was allowed, encouraged, forced to grow in that. It was safe. And necessary. God taught me a lot through Pattie and Kimmie. I was finally free—that is, I could allow myself—to feel deeply, real-ly.

So I could own my emotions and affections, like I said.

I learned I needed and loved people. And they needed and loved me.

In that same vein, I was able to admit first to myself, then to God, that I wanted to be married. That freed me to pray—earnestly and specifically. Very specifically. Eventually I was able to be honest, open with other people—able to ask for prayer on this and other issues.

And then God put that great challenge in front of me: The challenge to allow myself to feel—to get excited, to be giddy, to hope, even to feel a good kind of jealousy—about a man. To not be—or put up the façade of being—indifferent about a relationship with a fella.

Taking hold of that feeling—the uncertainty of it, the “letting go” of it, the vulnerability of it—turned out to be the best risk I’ve ever taken. (Aside, of course, from the similar “risk” I took in trusting and adoring Jesus…)

And so I get to adore my husband.

And I’m not afraid to tell you that I adore my husband. That I really adore my husband.

This new freedom has its fruits before Eric—I gave myself over to really loving Kim, knowing she loved me and being able to tell her that, and had the same floodgates-opening, Nesti-plunge-taking realization/acceptance in other relationships with family and friends.

But I suppose I tell you this now—and make my love for my husband central to it—because I’m sitting here across the table from him at Starbucks, as he’s devouring the Word and barely aware of my presence, and I’m adoring him for that.

I’m glad God brought me to the knowledge of Himself—Love—so I could be free to love with His love.